Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Jealousy Interview

This week, to all my lovely readers, I would like to introduce you to my mommy, Nikki, my little sister, Jen, and...my daddy, Phil?

My lovely mother enjoys gardening, sewing and crafts, school, and is getting her bachelor's degree in early elementary education for art. She totally rocks, and makes me cups of hot tea when my cramps leave me in the fetal position on my bedroom floor.

Jen is the best sister I could ever ask for. She enjoys most television shows, loves to bake delightful things, and is getting her degree in business so she can go on to be a pastry chef. She rocks the guitar in the worship band at church, and has an unhealthy appetite for cucumbers.

My daddy is the bomb. He's the most supportive person I know, does substitute teaching, and makes the best homemade goodies out of nothing when we've run out of groceries. He was not invited to the interview, but nudged his way into our meeting place and proceeded to make fun.

I bring you...an interview with them!

Period Fairy: In one word, describe your period.

Jen: Comfortable.

Nikki: Horrendous. Must be nice to be comfortable! What the hell is--the last time mine were comfortable was when I was a teenager, before I had children. 'Comfortable'...

PF: Jen, describe for us your worst period experience.

Jen: In [high] school, during choir, I was in so much pain--probably just felt awful to me because I never have cramps. I went to the office, and they gave me Midol and I went home. A couple hours later, I was fine. [Pause] I cried a little, though. Only for a couple minutes.

Nikki: Gee, that must have been nice. I have about twenty four hours of extreme pain that about kills me.

PF: Mommy, can you describe for us your best period experience?

Nikki: [Raises eyebrows] Before or after children?

PF: Best ever.

Nikki: Probably in high school...

PF: Can you describe it? What was it like?

Nikki: It was so long ago, I don't remember.

PF: Would you mind telling us how old you are now?

Nikki: Forty four. Why?

PF: I just want it to go on record how long it's been since you've had a nice period.

Nikki: [Laughs] Ok, I'll tell you about my first one. Oh, [gosh], it was Thanksgiving at my aunt's house. I was twelve years old. Even though mom had gone through the book to explain [periods], I didn't know what was happening. I went to the bathroom, and there was blood everywhere. I started screaming, and mom ran in the room. I told her I was bleeding to death. She said, 'It's okay, you're a woman now.' I asked her if I was going to die. Most excruciating week of my life.

[Enter Daddy]

Phil: Mine lasts a lot longer than that. [Laughter and eye-rolling]

PF: Jen, would you mind telling us about your first period?

Phil: I doubt she wants to talk about that with ol' dad sitting right here.

Jen: It's fine. I was in gym class. I went to the bathroom, and realized, 'oh, ok', and I was fine with it. That's it. Then I went home and mom made a big deal out of it, but I didn't want to talk about it.

PF: We're going to do a symptom checklist now.
PF: Do you have anything you want to add?

Phil: Yup! I have all of those, too!

Jen: My mood swings aren't even that bad.

Nikki: Whoever said periods are easier after childbirth is full of crap! It was probably a man.

Phil: [Uses girly voice] I have one! If I ever meet up with Eve, I'm going to beat her up!

Nikki: I look forward to the day of retirement from periods.


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